How many times do I have to tell you?!
Playing the long game when it takes billion zillion times for a lesson to sink in
One of the things that really gets me down as an ADHD parent of an ADHD kid is how long it can take for a lesson to be learned.
Not 10-20 reminders. Not 100 reminders. Thousands. YEARS.
Like, how many times do I have to remind you to THROW YOUR TRASH (e.g., wrappers etc.) INTO THE TRASH?!
We’ve only been doing that since you were 3 years old. In fact, the ACTUAL current 3 year old throws the trash away more consistently than the 10 year old, who is constantly leaving a trail of wrappers and paper and tissues in her wake.
How many times have I said, after a meltdown, when you were calm, that next time what you can do when you’re upset instead of yelling or throwing things is to just go to your room to calm down?
I’ve said that probably 6000 times over the last 7 years. Every time you agree. You’ve literally never actually done it.
How is it possible that it can takes years to learn something?!
Oh, right.
I’m almost 40 and I still forget the right thing to do, make mistakes, and have bad habits:
How many times have I told MYSELF to do the dishes every night before bed, or you’ll regret it in the morning? (spoiler alert: I regretted it in the morning)
How many times have I told MYSELF to get started on a project early so you’re not behind and apologizing when it’s late?
How many times have I told MYSELF to stop doomscrolling or wasting time because I can’t sleep and get myself to bed?
Only like a zillion times over the last almost 40 YEARS.
Yeah.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is really, really, really long
I’m a mostly functional adult. But I have a lifelong problem of procrastination. I logically know all the reasons why. I just cannot get myself to stop doing it.
I have a lot of hacks and tricks to get myself working on something (lately, journaling is the best thing - get a pen and write down, “I’m avoiding starting x project because ______”). Then take a deep breath and start it.
But even though I KNOW I need to start my work and get focused, even though I’ve experienced the “natural consequences” of not starting and being behind on things thousands of times, I still have to push myself through it. I have to trick myself. I have to re-practice the skill every single day, and I still often fail.
It’s easier of course than it used to be - I remember I had an awful realization one day at work that I had been at my desk for nearly 6 hours and still hadn’t started any actual work.
Now that time frame is down to maybe 20 minutes, but I still have to work so hard to just sit down and do something. There are still days where I leave work feeling like I accomplished nothing.
So that’s what I’m realizing: sometimes the best you can hope for is minutely lowering the resistance to doing something better over time.
There’s often no ‘flipping the switch’ and suddenly a lesson is learned and you never make that mistake again.
It’s only a matter of lessening the difficulty until the difficulty is no longer insurmountable.
Focus less on learning the skill, and more on shortening the recovery time
So, I do see that there has been progress over time.
My daughter used to have meltdowns that lasted HOURS.
Hours of screaming and kicking and crying.
Now, she might have a meltdown for about 20 minutes, followed by about 20 minutes of recovery time, and then we’re pretty much OK.
Am I still frustrated that we’re having meltdowns at 10 years old over things like not being able to find her shoes? Absolutely. I’m exhausted.
But are we getting closer to the point where the recovery time is so short, the actual meltdown itself doesn’t interrupt our lives too badly?
Yes.
I don’t try to avoid meltdowns anymore, I just try to make them much shorter. I don’t get frustrated when trash is left around the house, but I do enforce the rule - every time - that she has to pick up after herself, even if it means more yelling and screaming.
I’m not working on perfection, I’m just working on shortening the period of resistance and getting through recovery faster.
At some point, I know from experience, the resistance/recovery step can happen almost instantaneously. I still hate doing whatever I’m supposed to be doing that I don’t want to do, but it only takes me a moment to get past that.
Just keep on moving toward that light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t look back, don’t think about the tunnel, just keep on moving.
I like the idea of noticing improvement over time, and certainly shorter meltdowns are accomplishments. In all of my kids, ADHD looks so different, but for two of them they simply deny that the trash is even there, much less that they didn’t throw it away. (I’m looking into RSD and/or anxiety as explanations for that.) All of this takes so much time and so much trial and error. I’m glad you’re seeing progress.