How To Declutter When You Have Kids With Way Too Much Crap
What to do when your house sparks so much joy you're miserable
My dad was a hoarder - the very severe “stuff piled up to the ceiling” type. He suffered from severe mental illness and we tried to get him help for many, many years. He saved a lot of stuff -including a lot of straight up garbage - because he “might need it later.” I didn’t live with him, because my parents divorced when I was a baby (bless my mother) but I did stay over at his house for a few weeks every summer and I was constantly worried someone I knew would find out about the state of my dad’s home. I only recently, years after he passed way, came to terms with the fact that I don’t need to feel shame about it anymore.1
Needless to say, I don’t necessarily have a super healthy relationship with stuff. Like many children of hoarders, I feel compelled to practice extreme minimalism. I’m hypervigilant about avoiding any kind of behavior that might creep toward hoarding. All of my possessions can fit in a single carry-on size bag (not counting things like plates and silverware, which I am in no way attached to). I constantly prune my clothing for anything I don’t wear, and honestly as long as I have my phone, computer, charging cables, a change of clothes, toothbrush and my very small makeup bag, I’m good to go. This isn’t a brag; like I said, I don’t have a super healthy relationship with stuff. I feel deeply uncomfortable and anxious around any form of clutter.
This isn’t to say I’m good at cleaning my house. It’s a mess most of the time. Because even if I don’t have stuff, my kids certainly do. And in a house full of ADHD people, it’s really easy for all of us to get completely overwhelmed with too much stuff.
Traditional decluttering advice makes me feel like a failure before I even start
Popular decluttering advice is often totally logical that sound super easy!
If you haven’t used it in a year, get rid of it
Categorize things into “keep, donate, or toss”
If an item doesn’t “spark joy” toss it (KonMari)
First of all, I have absolutely no idea what has been used in the last year. I can’t remember what I used - or didn’t use - yesterday, let alone what I’ve used in the last year. Yes there are things like turn your hangers backward; but I’m just…. not going to do that with any sort of regularity. How do you remember when the year has ended?!
“Keep, donate or toss” just means I’m going to make 3 piles of crap that inevitably get merged together again when I need to clear a space or use the bins or whatever and now I just have more piles of crap.
The thought of going item by item in my house and thinking about whether or not it sparks joy makes me want to just throw everything we own into a trash bag and be done with it (which I would totally be fine with but my family would have some objections).
This just looks so easy and peaceful for other people, but it’s incredibly exhausting for me.
How to declutter with as little executive function as possible
I don’t have a decluttering schedule like you’re probably supposed to. I don’t do “decluttering challenges” where you are supposed to start with 1 item, then 2 items the next day, then 3 items the next day and so on for a month.
I’m not a planner. I can’t stick with something that’s not already part of my routine for 2 days let alone an entire month. So I take a much more ad hoc approach that requires as little planning as possible.
1. Stop - or at least reduce - the flow of new stuff in
I have a wonderful mother-in-law (not being facetious; I love her and she is incredibly helpful) whose language is gift-giving, and who lives far away so doesn’t necessarily see the impact of all of the toys and things for the kids that come into our house.
Because we know she will want to buy so. many. things. for birthdays and holidays, we:
Only buy one gift per kid per holiday/birthday that is from us as parents;
Focus on things that can be used/stored outside or in the garage (over the years, we’ve gifted a trampoline, bike, and swingset, as well as sidewalk chalk and bubbles);
Request that family give fewer or ideally only 1 gift (thanking them profusely of course, but just explaining that our house is really small) and that consumable things (craft supplies, etc.) are especially appreciated (see #4 below for what I do with these).
2. Use the suitcase/packup method
My kids don’t remember what they own about 98% of the time, and it could be easily gotten rid of and they will not notice (this, of course, is a sign they have way too much stuff). 2% of the time though, the thing they want is the most important thing in the world and must be found.
I also recognize that it’s not cool to just toss a bunch of their possessions without their permission (and I don’t want to somehow trigger later hoarding behavior, obviously). I’m definitely working my older child to get in a routine of getting rid of things, and to understand that getting rid of things is good for one’s mental health. But sometimes, the overwhelm just means action needs to be taken now.
I won’t plan for or have space for a “toy rotation” but I do have a large, unused suitcase. One night after the kids are in bed, I toss HALF of all of the crap on the floor into the suitcase: half the MagnaTiles, half the Legos, half the stuffed animals, etc.
Maybe only 2 or 3 times have I had to retrieve something that someone wanted from the suitcase. When all those little toys get significantly reduced, I find it gets played with way more.
I’ve discovered that people apparently call this a “packing party.” The suitcase works for me better than a bin or container stored in the garage, because the next time I go somewhere, I’m gonna have to open the suitcase and at that point I’m probably pretty sure it all needs to just be tossed or donated altogether. I don’t have to decide to wait a certain amount of time before getting rid of things, and it doesn’t require any extra storage because the suitcase already had a home somewhere.
If I have way too much stuff to fit into a suitcase, it goes into trash bags, not containers. I’m not storing it forever. I may not throw the trash bags away right away, but eventually, they’re probably going to end up in the trash.
3. When I’m completely overwhelmed, I don’t shame myself for throwing things away
I don’t want to destroy the world by filling it up with trash. I do donate things as much as possible and have tried to make it easy on me. For example, I have an empty bin near our laundry that I put all of the clothes in that no longer fit or are wanted, and when that gets full I do take it to the donation center (eventually…). However, my grand plans to donate things sometimes just don’t work out.
Sometimes, you just need a trash bag and to Throw. Things. Away. Broken toys. Toys the kids have outgrown (I really do try to donate these and usually do throw them in the donate bin, but sometimes they just have to get out of my sight or I’m gonna lose it). Paint bottles with a tablespoon of paint left at the bottom. Everything in your large suitcase you filled up 2 months ago that everyone in your house completely forgot about and now has no memory any of it ever existed. Etc.
When my mental health is really suffering, I have to be OK with throwing things away and not being perfect. Throwing things away is not ideal; I know that. But when the thought of going inside my house makes me want to cry, it’s time to just get the trash bag out. I recently heard this described on the Clutterbug podcast as “trash bag therapy” and that is very accurate - it is therapeutic.2
4. Whatever remains needs a home.
It’s a truism that you can’t buy your way out of decluttering. Buying more containers is a often a bad idea because they are too easy to fill up with random crap you don’t know what to do with (and should probably just be throwing away honestly).
But, anything that isn’t trash that is often taking space up on counters or in piles needs a home.
The best thing I ever bought for this purpose is a really big cube organizer and bins that can be labeled.
Here’s how mine are labeled at the moment:
Tape and glue
Glitter, pipe cleaners, and craft sticks
Paint
Paint Brushes
Balloons, bubbles and chalk (these get played with outside for the most part)
Yarn, string and crochet supplies (I actually have two of these, yarn is bulky)
Magic tricks and potions
Clay and play-doh
Misc craft items (basically everything that doesn’t fit into the above categories)
I have 3 mostly empty bins for miscellaneous that generally contain kids art, and then the rest of the bins are open to store things like canvas, a container of kinetic sand, etc.
Obviously, this means the kids produce a lot of arts and crafts, which is fun and cool but then you have more stuff to deal with. So I buy Command Strips in bulk (stored in the tape and glue bin, obviously) and these art storage frames, which are great for hanging on to art your kids are proud of but only highlighting/showing one piece at a time. When in doubt just tack it up on the wall.
Stuff finds a way
Despite my best efforts - and my sincere animosity to it - stuff I don’t want finds a way into my house. Decluttering is never done (which is not something my ADHD brain likes to hear). It’s like emptying the dishes - it must be done every day or life falls apart. In fact, I’ve habit stacked those two things - decluttering and emptying the dishes - while I listen to an audiobook or podcast. This is my self-care time. It’s a gift to my future self.
So, I can’t make a plan to declutter, or set aside one weekend a month to declutter - I have to declutter daily and ensure that we’re not holding on to anything we do not need or don’t use.
I don’t let too much stuff take over my life. I so wish my dad had found a way to know what that was like.
Hoarding is often a trauma response and no one should feel shame for hoarding behavior or living in a hoarding situation. Shame should not prevent one from seeking help.
I highly recommend the Clutterbug podcast; the host also has ADHD and listening to her podcast while decluttering or cleaning up is really motivating.