I Am Not a Cube Organizer
And a few other notes on rejecting one-size-fits-all solutions
Like the serpent in the tree of knowledge, cube organizers whisper lies that they will empower you to become the master of your domain. Do not believe them!
I’ve spent a lot of money over the years on cube organizer bookcases and fabric cubes. I’ve tried so hard to make them work and help keep all the kid stuff organized. It seems so obvious - just dump your crap in bins and then things look tidy, right?
These organizers rely on two assumptions: 1) you won’t fill them to the brim with crap and 2) you actually need all the crap you put in them.
OK but if you give me a cubic foot of storage that promises to hide how messy my house is, I’m gonna dump whatever crap in there fits and not think twice, until I run out of bins to dump crap in and then I’ve got 27 cubic feet of garbage to go through, and a quick glance in each bin doesn’t give me any information on what the heck is even in there.
Over the past two weeks I’ve systematically replaced this absolutely terrible ‘system’ with open shelves and craft supply drawers, basically, these:
And
My clutter problems primarily revolve around things that we really do need and use on a regular basis (paint brushes/paint, clay/play-doh, tape, glue, glitter etc.).
Have you ever tried to find something in a cube organizer filled to the brim with that kind of stuff? Well, I can tell you, when an impatient KID tries to do that, it results in a bin or 5 being dumped out completely all over the floor.
The little cart on the other hand doesn’t allow you to fill things up so much they’re impossible to dig through, and then the larger stuff can go on the open shelves. But the larger shelves also show what I have and I can get rid of all the stuff I don’t want or need.
The key for me is not to hide away things to the point where I 1) don’t know what I have and 2) am afraid to even look or go through things because it’s such a mess.
I have ADHD, a 10yo AuDHD kid who loves arts and crafts, and a 3yo. The fact that my house is remotely reasonably together is an absolute miracle, and it’s not because I can take any credit for self-discipline or anything.
It’s solely because I’ve learned the hard way what actually works, and that the solutions that I thought I should be using to solve my problems actually were never going to work for me.
I’ve finally, after 20 years of failure, missing deadlines, having a messy embarrassing house, being late everywhere, and generally feeling like a total mess have realized: trying to live like other people (or how I think other people live) is not how I need to live. It’s not how I can live.
Here are some other things I’m changing because the ‘conventional way’ of doing things has been ruining my life entirely.
I’m no longer showing up to everything just because I ‘made a commitment’
Good heavens, how it has been drilled into me that if you make a commitment to something, you have to show up, no matter what.
While I do agree with this in principle - of course it’s not good to drop commitments and let people down - I tend to commit to things impulsively and then regret those commitments later, but feel I can’t back out because I ‘made a commitment’.
If you’ve ever signed a contract in the state of CA you know the law requires you be allowed to back out of those contracts within 3 days with no penalty. Thank you to the ADHD lawyer who made that a law.
I have to allow myself to back out of commitments. I have to be OK with “I thought I had capacity to do this, but after some reflection I realize I don’t.”. And then decline the meeting invitations. And stop trying to keep that commitment.
My usual pattern is this:
Commit
Regret
Show up late/unprepared/cancel at the last minute
Let down everyone involved, including myself
OK but why can’t I do this instead?
Commit (or ideally, not)
Regret
Let the people involved know I actually can’t do it, send apologies well in advance, so alternative plans can be made if needed
Let down no-one, everything moves on just fine without me
I mean, ideally, I’m not committing in the first plate, but I shouldn’t feel trapped if I mistakenly committed to something I don’t have capacity for.
I’m no longer attending meetings that could be an email, in which I’m supposed to just listen in, but that being there is somehow important to….someone. It usually actually isn’t important to anyone! I’m declining those meetings and I’m entirely tossing out any and all solutions that I’m bending over backward to try and make work for me.
I’m no longer pretending to be a worker first, parent / human second
Every single time I have to leave work early because of a parenting need, I have felt like a total failure. Like all of my colleagues are judging me for being so selfish and uncommitted to my job and the team. For being lazy.
Some of that is projection, but I genuinely think some of them are judging me. Parents are judged very harshly in the workplace. I have a direct report who, up until 2 or so years ago, complained to me all the time about others in our dept who called out sick a lot or had disability accommodations that appeared to affect deadlines (they didn’t ever actually affect any deadlines, this was all perception).
That person still sometimes complains a bit about other people and their pesky humanity, but much less because they now have a toddler and have to call out sick ever 2-3 weeks because toddlers are little petri dishes of germs.
So they see now how it is.
It is sad though that often in the workplace, people do not have any sympathy, empathy, or understanding for their fellow coworkers until they themselves experience something difficult that makes it hard for them to rise and grind and devote themselves to work 100% every day.
I was that person a bit - before I had kids, I had zero problem whatsoever working 80-90 hours a week and couldn’t see why people struggled to just work 40.
But now I see how it is.
I still work 80-90 (actually more like 126) hours a week1, but it’s all a mix of work and childcare and cleaning and driving kids around and listen the point is, I’m not lazy. I’m not relaxing. I’m raising kids by myself and I’m working.
Regardless, people who are judgy like that are going to judge. But now, I look at having to leave work early or deal with parenting things very differently.
Work is one small facet of my life. My kids right now are everything. And generally speaking, we should be way more accepting and supportive of people who put their kids first, because that is going to lead to a better future society.
In order for someone to be a fully successful full-time employee, it’s honestly best (for their employer) if they don’t have any kids or care responsibilities.2 They can devote all of their concentration at work, and then spend the rest of their time recovering and recharging3 so that they come back to work restored and ready to devote all of their concentration and energy to their job.
Not only do I have children, I have a toddler and a very, very sensitive high-needs older child. My daughter’s neurodivergence means I can’t just demand she go to bed early enough that I can answer emails after they fall asleep, or demand she leave the house on time so I can get to work early.
If I demand/rush/show any sort of disapproval that she struggles with these things, she melts down, and says she doesn’t deserve to live.
If, however, I show patience, I don’t rush her, I reschedule meetings when it looks like we’re having a rough time of things, she is able to stay regulated enough to thrive.
This sort of high-needs child is completely and utterly incompatible with traditional full-time employment expectations. Most workplaces would say it’s fine to have kids (though ideal not to), as long as those kids don’t interfere with grinding it out without exception from 8AM-5PM Monday-Friday.
Well, my kids require exceptions. So I’m just going to do my best to be a good worker, to not let anyone down, but also to plan for the reality that I’m not able to devote myself to my job the way I did before I had significant care responsibilities.
I’m a parent first, and I’m fitting work in the best I can. If I’m with my kids, I’m where I’m supposed to be, instead of feeling like I’m supposed to be grinding it out at my desk.
And anyway, I’ve never worked well sitting down and flipping some kind of ‘work productivity’ switch. My sense of productivity comes and goes and it’s very possible for me to sit at my desk for hours getting nothing down, while getting 20+ hours of work done in a single all-nighter because I tapped into hyperfocus.
I am not a cube organizer
I don’t fit into a box, and the world doesn’t fit neatly into me either. I’m not one-size-fits-all. I’m not standardized.
I can’t live a regimented life, I have to allow for flow to happen. Sometimes my flow state is all about domestic stuff and cleaning and organizing and playing with construction vehicles with my toddler. If I’m in that state and trying to grind it out at my desk, I’m not actually getting anything done. I’m thinking about my sweet toddler and his desire for me to be the ‘mommy truck.’
It’s better for me to leave early, get my home stuff done, and feel like I actually did accomplish something. And then get the kids to bed early enough4 that I can stay up on my laptop and catch up on more work, with my lovely cup of coffee keeping me going through the night. These are the best times for me to slip into flow state and be hyper productive.
Do my coworkers see me at my desk 40+ hours a week? No. But I’m getting more done that way, even if it is different how most people work.
I think if you are the kind of person who has generally had high executive function levels that have flowed well with what the world expects of you, it’s really easy to look at people with executive function differences and wonder why things are so hard for them, and why they can’t just do things like everyone else.
Trust me, I wish I could.
But I’m really not helped at all by that attitude. If “try harder" or “be less lazy” was something that made me more productive or more organized or just better at life, I would have zero problems.
I try hard, I don’t even know what it’s like to relax, I’m constantly working on something. It just may not be visible in the way ‘normal’ people appear productive, because my best work happens at 2AM instead of 8AM.
So I chucked the cube organizers back to hell where they belong, and I’ve accepted these one-size-fits-all solutions just aren’t for me. Thank goodness, honestly.
168 hours in a week, minus the 6 hours of sleep I get a night (according to my Apple watch).
I am not saying this is how it should be, but it is, in my observation, how it is.
There’s a manager at my work who writes emails on Monday mornings that often start with, “I hope you had a restful and restorative weekend!” which really drives home that no, I did not. I did not rest or restore anything. I’m more tired Monday than I was on Friday.
A very important lesson I have learned is that working late results in kids staying up late (because you know they actually want to hang out with me a bit) which results in everyone being totally cranky and exhausted and me getting less done. Just go home at 3, play with everyone until they are worn out, lights out for the kids at 8pm, brew coffee, get back to work.