I finally watched K-Pop Demon Hunters through to the end and everything makes sense now

This movie is about ADHD right?

Source: Netflix

Did you know that theaters across the US held sing-a-long screenings of Netflix’s K-Pop Demon Hunters this weekend? If you have a kid between like 7-12 you probably did!

So, I actually really love this movie. My 9-year-old has been watching it pretty relentlessly and listening to the soundtrack in the car and we’ve both been trying to sing along to the songs and sounding pretty terrible. But the music (to me, who is an old uncool person) is pretty great, but we were already K-Pop fans so maybe it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

I haven’t watched a movie from beginning to end in probably like 4 years. I watch bits and pieces of what my kids watch but I have so much crap to do sitting down to watch a complete movie is not really in the cards for me. And as someone who really struggles to sit still, it is not relaxing to just SIT and watch something for 1+ hours, so watching TV and movies is not really something I miss.

Anyway, of course we went to K-Pop Demon Hunters at the theater. My daughter took a friend with her and sat right at the front of the screen and they got up and danced and sang through the movie, and I sat further back like any good uncool mom would.

And I got to watch a movie all the way through to the end for the first time in years.

I had watched the beginning of the movie several times and had seen a few scenes here and there, but I never saw the end. As an allegory, the messages of this movie could be applied to a lot of scenarios, and I’m sure a lot of people see their own struggles reflected in the main character’s story arc - which is one reason why it’s so popular.

But it’s an absolutely spot-on allegory for my experience with neurodivergence and trying to fit into a world that makes zero sense for the kind of person I am.

Your Faults and Fears Must Never Be Seen

If you haven’t seen this movie: the main character (Rumi) is a demon hunter who herself is part-demon; a fact that she hides from everyone including her fellow demon-hunter / K-Pop bandmates. Demons are visibly recognizable by the dark scar-like ‘patterns’ they have on their skin, and Rumi keeps her ‘patterns’ covered up so no one can see them.

They are working (via fan happiness) to build a golden Honmoon (in the movie this is visualized as a kind of magical light force that only they can see that blankets the world) that will seal the portal to the demon realm forever. In the movie they are working toward a golden Honmoon and see a brief glimpse of it at the beginning of the movie, which makes them all think they are really close to their goal.

The hunters were trained by a mentor (Celine) who drilled into them:

We are Hunters. Voices strong. Your faults and fears must never be seen.

When Rumi struggles with her voice (which happens because the ‘demon’ part of herself is starting to consume her because she hides it and her shame about it keeps growing), her fellow bandmates - still unaware of her secret identity - try to help her by concealing the problem and ‘fixing it’ so that nobody finds out. Of course, this leads to bigger problems and ultimately Rumi can’t hide her true self forever.

The really interesting part to me is that toward the end of the movie, when Rumi is partially consumed with her demon self and the Honmoon is falling apart, she visits Celine. Celine tries to re-assure Rumi that she can still be ‘fixed’ and they can hide her demon marks again and save the Honmoon. Rumi rebels and tells Celine:

“If this is the Honmoon I’m supposed to protect, I’m glad to see it destroyed.”

A world that requires absolute perfection in order to succeed ultimately isn’t a world worth fighting for.

In the end, Rumi and her bandmates find a way to rebuild a Honmoon that doesn’t rely on total perfection. Instead of a golden Honmoon, they are able to seal the portal to the demon world by building more of an iridescent rainbow Honmoon. And Rumi can be free to be who she is, and show her ‘patterns’ and still be accepted.

Get Up and Let the Jagged Edges Meet the Light Instead

I’m not doing super great at the things that I always thought I was building my life around.

I’m constantly behind at work. My marriage is over. I’m in debt and living paycheck-to-paycheck for the first time in my life. My daughter has behavioral problems despite reading all the 'expert’ advice about parenting (the experts never met my kid!). My house is a mess (but, getting better).

All of this, despite the fact that I’m exhausted and feel like there’s never a moment when I’m not “on.”

I feel like even working literally nonstop, I cannot keep up.

For what?

If this life that I thought I was supposed to be living - work, marriage, money - is falling apart, why am I running myself ragged trying to keep it propped up?

If I have to constantly pretend to be something I’m not - organized, focused, relentless, perfect - in order to feel even the tiniest bit successful in life - is that a life I really want to live?

I’ve recently come to a few conclusions about things:

• I’m not designed to work 9-5. Those aren’t the times that my brain is most focused. My best focus time is at night after the kids are asleep. I can only focus for about 3 hours at a time before I’m not at my best.

• Because I’m basically a single parent at this point, trying to cram in work from 9-5 isn’t really possible. Between the kids’ doctors and dentist appointments and my daughter’s therapy and school and daycare pickup and dropoff, literally a 9-5 workday does. not. work. I don’t see how it works for anyone! I’m still working 40+ hours a week, but I’m doing 4-5 hours during each workday (Monday-Friday) and 3+ hours at night (7 days a week).

• At this stage of my life, I don’t have any interest in or energy for a relationship. I’m glad my marriage is over. I don’t think I’m marriage material, honestly.

I’m not going to break myself into pieces fighting for a life that makes zero sense for me. If that’s the life I’m supposed to be fighting for, I’m glad to see it destroyed.

I’m happy to rebuild it. I’m actually really excited to rebuild a life that makes sense to me.

Even if it means my ‘patterns’ - my ‘bad,’ messy, disorganized ADHD habits - are showing.

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