Maybe I'm a Polar Bear Mom
Just trying to raise tough cubs in a hostile world
I’ve been thinking about polar bears a lot.
I once watched a documentary about polar bear moms that talked about how they avoid male polar bears because male polar bears might kill the mom’s cubs, even if those cubs are the male polar bear’s actual offspring - because he doesn’t know they are his (and doesn’t really care anyway - male polar bears aren’t involved in raising cubs, they are driven to mate, and you can’t blame them for their biology).
This little tidbit of information has been rattling around in my brain quite often lately for a few reasons.
One, my ex-husband, while not at all violent, is not a kind person. This is not because he is a man (I’m not saying he’s a murderous male polar bear, or that all human men are like this); this is simply because he is an asshole. He flies off the handle at the slightest annoyance. He does not set a good example for how to respectfully treat other people. So I channel my inner polar bear mom and we avoid him so we don’t get our heads bitten off (metaphorically speaking). We go to the beach, to the zoo, the park - anywhere we can be free to explore and enjoy ourselves and not be yelled at.
Two, the world is a hostile place for raising kids. I’m not going to pretend that my relative life of privilege living in the suburbs with a mild summer climate is anywhere near the challenges polar bears face. Polar bears are losing their habitats and life is obviously unforgiving in the arctic. But even down where I am, it’s tough out there for humans!
I want my kids to grow up strong and resilient. I need them to be tough because the world can be an unforgiving place. I want them to be kind (so, I don’t want them to grow up to be be apex predators like actual polar bears, obviously).
I want them to be able to survive in a hostile world that won’t always help them.
They need to know how to help themselves.
I don’t want to be a lawnmower mom. Or a helicopter mom. Or a tiger mom.
I think I want to be a polar bear mom.
In my imagining, polar bear moms:
Don’t swoop in to rescue when things are challenging (only swoop in when things are life- or safety-threatening);
Say stuff like: “You can handle this. I believe in you”;
Give a minute for kids to try and solve problems on their own, even if it results in some tears or a tantrum;
Show behavior you want to see in your kids - don’t lecture;
Are real about the dangers and difficulties of the world and what you do to stay safe and overcome challenges;
Show and model having gratitude for what we have, and why we can’t take anything for granted in this life;
Teach survival skills and healthy coping strategies;
Allow kids to try out basic life skill activities, like buying groceries, cooking dinner, and tending a garden - even if they don’t do a great job at first;
Have reasonable expectations regarding respectful behavior, including doing chores and speaking respectfully;
Don’t worry about outward achievement, winning or perfection; emphasize learning, hard work and a growth mindset over accomplishments
Do I do all of these things perfectly? Absolutely not.
But lately whenever I’ve been able to channel my inner polar bear mom, there’s been a bit more peace and stability in our house.
So here’s to being a polar bear mom - a survivor passing on her skills, tough as nails, cool under pressure, cuddly but also sometimes a little bit scary when she needs to be.
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