Parenting Wisdom I'm Ignoring
Turns out some kids are different
I. Validate emotions
I know. Not validating all feelings makes me a very, Very Bad Parent.
My daughter went through this weird phase when she was like 3-5(ish)? when she would absolutely FLIP OUT if anyone “saw” her when she was in the middle of making something. Like if she was drawing a picture, and you accidentally looked at what she was drawing, immediate meltdown. “Whyyyyy did you looooook?”
I know this is rooted in anxiety, and probably many other complicated feelings that are just really hard for a young kid to name and navigate. I think it’s something to do with the idea that if I saw what she was working on, it would ruin the ‘surprise’ of the end product. I don’t ‘blame’ her one bit, she’s a little kid.
But do you know what made my daughter even MORE angry than me accidentally seeing her artwork before she was done?
Saying something like, “You didn’t want me to see your work before you were finished. It’s ok to feel frustrated (or upset, or whatever).”
Cue. Nuclear. Meltdown. “I’M. NOT. FRUSTRATED/UPSET/WHATEVER!!!!!”
Some emotions - particularly the toddler/preschooler variety - are just…. not valid. Or rather I should say, the emotion is ‘valid’ I guess in the sense that it exists, but the reaction / overreaction is NOT ok.
It simply is not a valid reaction to flip the F out because your mom briefly glanced at your coloring page before you were done.
And I’m not even trying to thread the needle with “The feeling is valid, the behavior is not.” The entire reaction is not valid.
So I started saying horrible, Bad Parent things like, “that’s really not something to get upset about.”
And she …. stopped getting upset about it. Now if she’s wanting to surprise me with something but I accidentally glance at it she’ll laugh and say “hey, don’t look, I’m not done!”
Don’t worry, I’m saving up so I can pay her therapy bills later in life.
II. Time out is OK as long as you stay close or your child will feel abandoned or like their emotions are too big for you to handle, which scares them.
Oh, the hugs I offered when she was upset (spoiler alert - she DOES NOT want a hug).
Listen, if this kid is upset, you better not even make eye contact or you’re going to live to regret it.
I know I have seemed like such a monster when my kid was crying and screaming and I just… let her. When she got too big to pick up and drag around, I just let her lay on the floor screaming.
Good Parents would sooth. They would offer a hug, tell their kids it’s OK, talk to them quietly.
When my kid is upset, she doesn’t want me (or anyone) to exist. Talking to her, touching her, acknowledging her in any way prolongs the upset so much more.
I read somewhere that if you do timeout, make sure you stay in the room with them so they know you’re close if they need you.
If you don’t want her to EVER calm down, sure buddy, try staying in that room. Otherwise, go empty the dishwasher and she’ll be right as rain and seemingly have forgotten anything happened after like 7.5 minutes.
Some kids (like adults) need alone time to calm down.
Sorry for your future abandonment issues!
III. All foods are equal, so don’t label any foods ‘bad’ or ‘good’ and let them eat treat until they are satisfied (basically as much as they want).
Pixie sticks are bad, you guys. Fun Dip? BAD. Those are bad foods!1 They are almost not even food at all! I would not at all be surprised to find they are banned in France or something. If they are banned in France I’d be like, heck yeah France, you know what’s up.
I guess maybe it’s just me, but when I eat “good” food (fruits, veggies, minimally processed whatever) I feel…good.
When I eat “bad” food (ice cream, deep-fried whatever, Fun Dip, etc.) I feel… bad.
I get that the message here is that food doesn’t have a morality. You’re not a bad person if you eat Fun Dip (though the sellers (dealers?) of Fun Dip may, possibly, be bad people). You’re not ‘guilty’ of any crime or anything and shouldn’t feel like you need to hide it.
But a packet of Fun Dip is not as good as a carrot. It is not nutritionally equal. Fun Dip will not make you feel as good after you eat it (though, perceiving that you feel bad after eating candy doesn’t seem to occur until age 7/8ish, at least for my older daughter).
Anyway we don’t keep sweets / desserts in the house. At all. If we come across some FroYo in the wild, sure, we can stop maybe once a month and have some. But no, it’s not a ‘regular’ food. She’s not getting the nuance and morality discussion.
She just needs to know “Fun Dip Bad, Vegetables Good.” Nuance comes later.
Conclusion: Kids are different
I know, that’s a pretty useless conclusion!
I have seen, in action, the “It’s ok to be frustrated” actually calming a kid down. Some kids totally benefit from that framing.
I have also observed that it seems MOST parents able to hug and comfort their kids when they are upset.
And I have listened to very qualified nutritionists give compelling evidence for why not labeling any food as ‘bad’ is important and helpful, and is especially good for preventing eating disorders (obviously I am in favor of preventing eating disorders).
I don’t think my kid is like all the kids that benefit from that advice, though. My kid is just different. Stuff that would NOT work with other kids works great with mine.
My kid is super mature and understanding in some ways, but in other ways is far behind her peers, particular with regard to emotional regulation. As she gets older, I can give her a hug sometimes when she’s upset, though she still prefers to be alone to calm herself down.
So, ultimately, I do actually think all of the advice above is probably great - my kid just isn’t ready for it yet.
So, I’m going to keep doing stuff that I’m sure outsiders looking in would think is Very Bad Parenting. Like everybody else, I’m just looking for solutions that help us get through each day.
I am in no way judging anybody who uses the “Good Parenting” advice above. I so wish it worked for me!
But in the meantime, if you are a Good Parent, please cut my Very Bad Parenting some slack.
We’re all on the same team here.
I love them, obviously. Delicious. But BAD
I think any parent who spends time trying to figure out if their approach is the right one and then adjusting accordingly is, by definition, a good parent. It won't always work but you care enough to try.
By the way, I was a lot like your daughter when I was kid. I remember being outraged if my creative endeavors were glimpsed before they were ready. I'm still a little like that, to be honest. I hate showing half-finished work.
On the contrary, I think this is Very Good Parenting—because it works for your child, and it works for you!
My mothering motto very quickly became “if it feels right, it is right, and if it feels wrong, it probably is.” Mothers get the Very Bad Parent jab for everything they do and don’t do (preaching to the choir).
I think you’re nailing it.
I appreciate how honest this is. It’s so incredibly refreshing.