Recognizing the Moment a Choice Appears

Metacognition and being a weirdo who narrates your own life

Photo by Yoann Laheurte on Unsplash

I often feel like I’m being swept away in the current of my life with no way to choose where I’m going.

I go to work with great plans in my head and before I know it it’s 3PM and I feel like I was just swept away in a river of Teams messages and emails and unexpected server outages and sudden catastrophes, and nothing got done.

I plan to do a bunch of decluttering or cleaning or gardening on a Saturday but get swept away in kid activities or it turns out to be such a nice day we just HAVE to go to the beach (I never feel bad about being swept away to the beach, but nonetheless the stuff I needed to get done did not get done).

And there’s a bit of resignation and self-justifying in my head about this; like, what am I supposed to do? I don’t have any control over all of the chaos that comes my way on a daily basis. It’s not like I want to be swept away into things I wasn’t planning to do.

OK, but what if sometimes I do actually want that? I’m removing my own agency so I don’t feel I’m to blame for problems that arise when something I needed to get done didn’t get done.

There’s another option though - I don’t have to blame myself for being swept away by life, but I can acknowledge it’s happening without shame or blame, which sets me up to resolve any issues that arise from not getting things done when I planned to.

Guiding The Narrator

I recently read something about how not everyone has an internal ‘voice’ as in they don’t seem to really talk to themselves inside their head. People who do talk to themselves inside their head (which I do, usually solely to criticize myself and catastrophize) of course find this unbelievable. My brain is never quiet. I can’t imagine what it would be like for my brain to not be chattering to me constantly all day every day.

However, all of this talking to myself inside my head also feels like it’s on a runaway train most of the time. My internal narrator isn’t strategizing, or even noticing what’s going on; it’s just reacting, and usually not in a super helpful way (basically it just tells me everything is awful when the slightest bad thing happens).

I can’t remember the exact details of when I first figured out I could actually consciously narrative my own life in a helpful way, but it had something to do with being with my 2-year-old who wanted to stay at the park longer than I was planning to.

Now, I have this tendency whenever I get anywhere to feel this very strong urge to leave, even if I really want to be there. So my default is constantly wondering if we’ve been somewhere long enough that it’s OK to leave.

Anyway, my toddler wanted to stay at the park. My default reaction was, nope, we gotta go. But for whatever reason in that moment, I told my internal narrator to notice what was happening, and to recognize that I could actually choose to stay at the park longer with nothing bad happening. We weren’t in a rush. We could stay longer and play.

And my brain had this thought: “I’m choosing in this moment to stay for an extra hour.”

I could have been ‘swept away’ with whatever choice I made - I could have either rushed everyone to leave and felt like we just had to go for no real reason; I could have felt like I was giving in to a toddler power play and therefore was powerless to resist.

But in that moment, I recognized, no, I do have the power to decide. And I decide, the park is fun and everyone’s having a good time and we should stay.

I consciously made a choice.

Apparently Metacognition is the Only Kind of Mindfulness I can Do

I so wish I could be the kind of person who was good at mindfulness.

I’ve done a lot of attempts to ‘just notice stuff without judgment’ but I just do not like that. I do not like just noticing things. I don’t want to stop and take a moment to recognize what’s happening. I want to be swept away so I’m not to blame for whatever happens to me.

For whatever reason, I am more able to embrace the concept of metacognition - being aware of what I am thinking - over the way ‘mindfulness’ has been traditionally described to me. I don’t need to notice every flower or the weight of my feet on the earth, but I do need to have some kind of awareness of what I’m deciding and moreover the fact that I actually do decide things. I do have agency. I don’t need to feel good or bad about that fact; it just is true.

Here are some things my ‘metacognitive voice’ has helped me realize lately:

• I’m going to choose to sit on the couch with the kids and relax rather than folding the laundry or doing the dishes. I choose to relax.

  • Alternatively, I choose to get these dishes done and the kids are happy playing.

• I’m going to heat up some black beans with some cheese and tortilla chips instead of spending money to order takeout, even though I’m tired and would so much rather order out. I choose to cook at home.

  • Alternatively I choose to enjoy a rare luxury and order food for delivery.

• I’m going for a walk with my kids after they get home from school instead of grinding out more emails while they watch TV. I choose to prioritize the wellbeing of myself and my kids even if it means I have to work harder to catch up at work later.

  • Alternatively, I choose to allow the kids to play independently while I get some high-priority work done.

I’m not a saint. Not all of my choices as a parent are ‘the best’ choice. But I do have choices. I don’t have to be swept away, but I also can choose to be swept away, and that’s OK.

I do think this strategy does help me make better choices, but it also helps me keep track of my choices - like, how many times did I actually order food last week? I remember better because I consciously noticed myself ordering food each time. I can pat myself on the back for getting chores done, and can do so without guilt because I acknowledge the fact that the kids will be fine playing on their own for 15 minutes while I load the dishwasher. I’m not a victim of circumstance, I’m choosing to make the best choices given my current environment.

I have noticed a couple of times that I verbally talk to myself out loud, so, that is weird. But I have done far weirder things when I’m truly drowning in stress.

So I guess I choose to be a weirdo who internally narrates my own life.