Some Things Are Sacred

Meaning and Ritual Instead of Habits and Discipline

Photo by Rebecca Peterson-Hall on Unsplash

A lot of ADHD advice focuses on building habits and routines, but the most effective changes I’ve made in my life lately have to do with building rituals.

To me, the difference between a ritual and a routine is that a ritual is designed so that the process itself is meant to be meaningful, rather than the process being a means to an end (to accomplish something, to check off a box).

An evening routine might involve loading the dishwasher and wiping down counters, with “I just have to get this done so I can go relax” vibes. Possibly driven by a bit of self-shaming (“if I don’t get this done my house will be dirty which makes me a bad person”).

An evening ritual, on the other hand, might involve lighting a candle in blessing for your home, giving thanks (to the people that work in agriculture/God/the universe/higher power of your choice) for the food you were able to prepare and eat today, and spending a moment in gratitude and peace while you prepare your kitchen for the next day.

In the end, both the routine and the ritual resulted in a clean kitchen. But the idea (of an evening routine, at least) is that when you’ve finished your routine, you get to rest and recover, whereas the ritual should be designed to be the recovery.

ADHD and Spirituality: Is It OK to Talk About This?

I’ve been on a lot of different sides of the religious spectrum, from “why isn’t everyone a nun?” in childhood Catholic school to being all-in at evangelical revival-style services with my mom as an older child. Later I went through a classic “religion is oppression” phase as an angsty teen and then moved on to "I guess I’m Buddhist now?!” in my 20s (sidenote that so much of Buddhist wisdom speaks SO directly to my ADHD struggles). Now I am sort of returning back to the religion of my childhood (I am now Episcopalian or “Catholic light” as it was referred to when I was a kid).

I have this kind of crackpot theory that neurodivergent people must have played a significant role in the development of faith traditions. Either because neurodivergent people decided to relentlessly hyperfocus in pursuit of wisdom or maybe just because someone was like, “listen, if we don’t write all of this down somewhere I’m not going to remember any of it” and thus religious texts like the Torah / Bible were created, and those traditions endured.

Catholic Mass, however, was definitely not designed by someone with ADHD - or at least, not an ADHD child - because all I remember from going to Mass a child was my near-death from boredom (I think Catholic Mass is very beautiful and peaceful as an adult but as a kid all I remember was spending a lot of time trying to scratch away at the wood lacquer on the pew in front of me because I was bored out of my mind). I wonder if some ADHD folks raised in religious households end up turning away from it because they find it hard to sit still through religious ceremonies they barely understand?

Because ADHD discourse often focuses on the medical aspects of it - brain chemicals, medication, even things like self-regulation and emotional-regulation are treated like medical problems - spirituality and “the soul” is not usually part of how ADHD is approached (for good reason - I’m definitely not saying we should be trying to use faith healing or rely on religion/faith to treat ADHD).

And while I’ve never experienced this myself, I’ve heard from others that there is a certain perspective that Christian parents don’t / can’t have kids with ADHD - only bad parents have kids with ADHD / behavioral problems. So I’ve heard accounts of kids being diagnosed with ADHD but their parents denying treatment out of fear they would be judged.

But I do think spirituality is an important aspect of many people’s lives that is often overlooked in ADHD circles. One of my favorite ADHD podcasts is the ADHD Women’s Wellbeing Podcast, hosted by Kate Moryoussef. She has a few episodes talking about her practice of Kabbalah, which is super fascinating and really got me thinking about why I so rarely hear about how faith practices intersect with ADHD.

I briefly looked for studies to see if there’s ever been an examination of spirituality or spiritual practices among ADHD people. There’s not a ton but some interesting investigations of how spiritual practices help moms of ADHD kids cope with stress, as well as how religious practices can be difficult for ADHD kids depending on how they are structured (so, I guess I’m not the only kid that had trouble paying attention during Mass).

I think this is a tricky topic because there’s such a desire to find solutions to ADHD problems that work for everyone, and not everyone is inclined toward religion and spirituality. Which is totally fine. But if there is something that pulls you toward a more spiritual understanding of your life, in my experience I have found that leaning into that can actually be pretty helpful for some ADHD challenges.

Prayer as a Self-Regulation Tool

One of my major ADHD problems is procrastination. I have come to learn that I procrastinate not because I’m intentionally avoiding things necessarily, but because I often just don’t notice enough about what’s going on to feel like I’m intentionally moving into any particular direction.

Life often feels like it just happens to me, not that I’m actually doing anything to steer the ship.

This is because I am often so distracted by what’s happening, I’m not actually aware of what’s happening until I’ve wasted an entire day on something that doesn’t actually matter to me.

ADHDers are commonly advised to embrace “mindfulness” as an antidote to this kind of internal chaos. Slow down, notice what’s going on around you, etc.

Sorry! Mindfulness is WAY too boring for me. I really wish it was helpful but it really stresses me out, because I feel like I can never get “chill” enough. And I’ve actually found that generally speaking, I don’t really want to be chill. I want to be moving toward something.

However, there is something about prayer - focused on one particular topic - that is actually really helpful. It gives me a way to hone my inner monologue, which normally doesn’t exist at all, because again, I’m just floating randomly through life with no real awareness of what is happening or what I really should be doing.

A prayer can be something like,

Dear universe,
please help me focus
on getting the project done that was due yesterday
and do not let me get distracted by things that are unimportant at this time
like deep-diving into the history of the Tunguska Event for 6 hours;
I trust you, universe,
that you had a good reason to mysteriously explode a whole bunch of forest in Siberia in 1908
so I don't need to think about it right now

Prayer is focused on something in a way my brain can understand. Mindfulness - as in, just let your brain think thoughts without judgment, feels so un-anchored to reality I can’t really find it useful.

To me, prayer is basically: noticing something that is happening and noticing that you want it to be different, and focusing your mind on wanting it to change - whether or not you are asking a higher power for assistance. But asking for help is a skill; a skill that personally I have not been very good at. Practicing asking for help through prayer can help hone the ability to communicate what is wrong and what would help you to the people around you, as well as communicating to yourself and any other higher power you’d like help from.

Self-regulation is not only about controlling yourself, but also about noticing what’s going on with yourself. And even though that sounds like something that should be super easy and intuitive, it just isn’t. I don’t often notice I’m stressed out until some combo of loud dog barking and child whining pushes me over the edge of sanity.

But that noticing is an incredibly important piece of being able to say, “I’m stressed out and need a quiet moment to catch my breath before re-entering the chaos of the day.” I can’t control my responses if I haven’t had a chance to even notice what I’m feeling.

Some Possible ADHD Rituals to Try

Here are a few ideas for how you can turn some task you struggle with (cleaning my house is the example here) into a more meaningful experience by structuring it to be more like a religious ritual:

• Follow the same steps, every time (like praying the rosary) - clear the floor, then surfaces, then vaccuum, as a kind of cleansing ritual

• Use a sensory anchor, like lighting a candle, playing a specific kind of music you only listen to while cleaning, or ringing a bell when done with each task

• Use a ritual object cleansing, like when cleaning your mirror, think, “clear mind, clear path”

• Do a “morning offering” tidy for 10 minutes, bringing things into order to bring peace to your space

• Designate a “sacred zone” like your bedside table that is always tidy as a kind of '“altar of calm”

• Ending work or tasks with a ritual gesture, like making tea, spraying a mint or lavender sent, or saying a small affirmation when the space is clean, like a benediction

I’m so curious if any of this resonates with anyone else? If you have a cleaning ritual or have ever thought about your tasks in this way, I would LOVE to know about it.

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