The Contradictions of ADHD Kids In Sports
Neurodivergent Learning Opportunities from Engaging with a Toxic Sports Culture
My daughter is really good at her sport. She is also a difficult kid - highly emotional and, when she’s beating herself up about something she thinks she didn’t do well, her reaction is defiance. Pretty much every coach she’s ever had has ended up benching her or sticking her in a position that they know she’ll hate as punishment. We don’t often get drafted by coaches we’ve had before.
When I’ve talked to her coaches, a lot of their thinking goes, “I can’t show that kids can get away with or be rewarded for bad behavior.” Bad behavior includes things like crying on the bench when upset about making a mistake.
She’s been benched at least 3 times over the last 3 years she’s played for crying or sulking after making a mistake (or feeling like she’s made a mistake even if she hasn’t - she’s so hard on herself, she punishes herself for not making a play that probably nobody in her age bracket could have made).
Part of me is like, good grief, these are kids and she’s not trying to be a bad kid, she just doesn’t know how to handle the complicated emotions that revolve around loving her sport and wanting to do well. But I also understand the natural consequences argument, as well as the idea that no matter what is going on internally, you have to be able to handle that and behave yourself externally. These are important life skills.
I’ve definitely gotten grittier about this - I understand when she gets benched for behaving in a way she shouldn’t (even if I totally understand why she’s behaving that way), and I can see how my daughter’s getting grittier too. I just don’t want her to quit entirely because all the punishment and pressure outweighs the fun.
I know many parents, completely understandably, are choosing to opt out of youth sports entirely. I totally get this. But my hyperactive ADHD kid is happiest playing sports, even though many sports parents are cuckoo bananas. So, for now we’re staying involved and I’m doing my best to help my kid navigate this crazy culture.
Toxic Youth Sports Culture Comes From Parents
Pain is weakness leaving the body. There’s no crying in baseball (or soccer, or whatever). Rub some dirt on it.
I actually have no problem with some of these messages. I myself will say the ‘pain is weakness leaving the body’ one internally when I’m sore from working out or whatever. The ultimate lesson that I think sports teaches is mind over matter, but that’s an abstract concept for most kids, especially when they just got hurt and you know, it hurts.
The actual toxicity I witness comes ENTIRELY from other parents (not even necessarily coaches, though in my experience coaches are insanely hard on their own kids, and then their kids then tend to bully the other kids on the team). Kids sports is getting more and more competitive for younger and younger kids. Where I live, there’s a travel soccer program for 5 year olds. 5 year olds. In soccer tournaments. All weekend.
While I have observed some genuinely hardcore kids who clearly love competition, the vast majority of these kids are doing these things because parents think that is what is best for their kids. Get good at your sport and keep getting more and more competitive so you can keep playing at the highest levels. Then you’ll get a scholarship. Then…. ???
Especially with girls sports, it’s not like any of these kids are going to make millions of dollars. A sports scholarship is cool and a great achievement, but envisioning your kid will get one as long as she makes the All Star team at the age of 9 is obviously insane. Honestly, my kiddo may not go to a traditional college, and that’s totally fine. A sports scholarship is not anywhere near my motivation for her doing sports.
But this - and living vicariously through your kid - is what is driving youth sports. The parents who think if their kid isn’t playing on the best teams and winning tournaments every year of their life, they are going to fall behind and then 10 years from now all the other kids that were on all star teams are going to take their kid’s scholarship. So they cozy up to the coaches who are hyper competitive and win a lot, and they berate their kids for any mistakes that could mean they aren’t on that coaches’ team next season. And they sign their kids up to practice every day and play tournaments for 10 hours a day each weekend.
Except… the vast majority of kids playing sports before the age of 12 drop out before high school. They are burned out. The pressure of being perfect or you won’t get invited back onto the competitive team sucks all the fun out of the sport. The idea that it’s important to win games, rather than just improve your playing and cheer on your teammates, makes it feel like wasted time if your team isn’t winning every game and you’re not playing perfectly.
Even if you, a reasonable parent, tell your child winning or losing doesn’t matter, they will easily pick up on the intensity and stress of their teammates and the other parents - especially if your kid is hypersensitive and neurodivergent. My daughter is reaching the age where other kids repeat the things their parents tell them and reject their own teammates if they aren’t as hardcore as they think they need to be.
Rub Some Dirt on Your Feelings: Emotional Regulation Skills for Toxic Sports Cultures
As much as I would love to, I can’t change how crazy some parents are, or the entire toxic culture of youth sports. The only thing I can do is help equip my daughter with the tools and strategies to understand how to navigate a youth sports world full of toxic people.
These are the skills kids need to grow up and navigate an adult world full of people who are much more toxic and cruel than your average overly intense sports parent.
Define healthy vs. toxic sports attitudes
It’s not enough to brush off the things they hear from other kids or their parents. Kids should recognize when the messages they are getting are not healthy. A healthy attitude is a growth mindset (“I’m getting better all the time”). A toxic attitude is one that shames (“I can’t believe I missed that play, what’s wrong with me?!”).1
Only the experience matters; the outcome doesn’t matter
This is a slightly different way of “winning doesn’t matter” but in my experience, that’s less helpful - because losing definitely feels like it matters. This is something I reiterate to my daughter in everything, not just sports. She used to cry over feeling like her art didn’t turn out how she wanted it, or some project she was working on didn’t meet her expectations. It’s not so much “winning isn’t everything” or even “winning or losing means nothing” - it’s the process - or if you’re feeling especially crunchy about it - the journey that matters. We play sports to practice, learn, and get stronger; the outcome of games has nothing to do with that.
Practice is more important than games
Most parents drop their kids off at practice and have really no idea what goes on there, but they pay attention to every move during the game, and berate them on the way home for every mistake. I treat games like I’m going to a practice - I go, I cheer, but I don’t pretend like I can influence my kid’s play by how much I’m shouting at them from the sideline. I genuinely don’t care about the outcome of games (I had to do a lot of internal work to get there). I’m not upset if they lost or did poorly. The only thing I say is “I enjoyed watching you play today!” whether they win or lose.
“Doing your Best” and “trying” is relative (and in my experience somewhat meaningless concepts for kids)
My husband would often tell my daughter off for “not trying.” He would say things like, “all you have to do is try!” and then if she wasn’t visibly “trying” in the way he had in mind, she wasn’t trying hard enough. Sometimes to my daughter, “trying” was just standing out in the field and being there even if she didn’t really want to be after a tough play. “Do your best” and “try” are completely relative terms. I’m “doing my best” sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning, when other days “doing my best” is going for a 3 mile run before the kids wake up. If there’s some basic standard you want to set - like, “always listen to your coach even if you don’t feel like it” then make that explicit. Just being out there and playing means they are trying. Teach kids it’s ok if “doing your best” isn’t up to their (or your) highest standard, but that working toward a higher standard can be rewarding.
Mental toughness mantras
I get better every time I try
One play at a time
I don’t control the game, I only control my own actions
Be as nice to myself as I would be a teammate. I wouldn’t beat my teammate up for making a mistake.
I’ll get it next time, and if I don’t get it next time, I’ll get it the time after that
Hyperfocus is my secret weapon (or whatever ADHD quirk they have that makes them better at their sport)
I myself have learned a lot from our involvement in sports. Most of what I’ve learned is, holy crap, a lot of people have their priorities way out of whack. But in a weird way, this has helped me realize what I want to prioritize (the mental and physical health of my kids), and how to protect those priorities in the face of social pressure - and that’s something I want my kids to learn too.
The amount of times I’ve heard a parent shout at their kid “What were you THINKING?!?!” when they make a mistake on the field is unbelievable. But usually these kids are so used to being yelled at like that they just shrug. Are these kids tough? I guess. But regardless it is being modeled to them that it’s OK to treat people - people that you love - like that.