The Parenting Stress Doom Spiral
Kid misbehavior + my irrational hyperawareness of the judgement of others = more kid misbehavior
Parenting a neurodivergent child can feel stressful, embarrassing, and isolating. It feels like your kid is the only kid who is getting in trouble at school for weird behaviors. Your kid is the only kid who is rude or inappropriate. Your kid is the only one not paying attention. You are the only family who is frequently running late.
It also feels like everyone is judging your parenting when your kid isn’t perfect. I don’t know how true that actually is, but I think I’m constantly just hearing the echo I heard growing up whenever kids got out of line - “Where were the parents?!” Because perfect parenting, of course, means that children never misbehave or do anything wrong. Right?
When my kid does something in public that is embarrassing, I feel a really strong impulse to ‘show’ the world that I’m harsh with my child when they do something wrong. That I’m laying down the law. That I am in charge.
I am, in that moment, so much less concern with what my kid is actually doing, or feeling, or why they are doing what they are doing, with what other people think of how I should discipline my child.
“Discipline” and Parent/Kid Stress
When I’m in a mode of hyperawareness that I’m being judged negatively, I don’t always behave rationally.
I’m going to take a moment to imagine my kid saying those words. It would probably come out more like “You’re the WORST and I HATE you” but, that’s probably what she meant to say.
When you mess up frequently, it’s hard to not be on the defensive all the time to protect yourself from the consequences of constant wrongness. My whole life I’m longed for the experience of just being good at stuff and feeling comfortable in social settings. Feeling like someone wasn’t thinking I was a weirdo or incompetent. Whether people actually thought I was a weirdo or incompetent is beside the point.1 All it took was a childhood where I was acutely aware that people could be making those judgements - and that those judgements mattered - and now it’s all I assume that people think of me.
One thing I wasn’t prepared for before I became a parent is how much social expectation there is that your kid is a perfect angel in all situations. Kids who violate this expectation are ostracized (though younger kids may not pick up on this) but their parents are also ostracized which actually has a greater impact on the kid.
After years of our daughter being in her sports league, for example, I realized how often the parents were getting together outside of games and practices, which then facilitated deeper friendships among those kids. My daughter just isn’t a part of any of that - not only do kids find her somewhat off-putting because she can be loud or into weird stuff like digging around in the mud after practice, but crucially, other parents find her strange and off-putting. I haven’t helped this by appearing to be a wildly uptight person, who is so obsessed with watching to make sure my kid behaves I can’t carry on a conversation with anyone. We’re never getting invited to those weekend BBQ’s, and no one’s coming over to swim in our pool either.
Anyway, here’s a common scenario:
My daughter says something rude or entitled to me - for example, I ask her to carry her sports bag to the car, and she says “ugh why can’t you do it?”
Feeling the possible judgment of other parents around me that they must think my child is a total spoiled brat, I am (unreasonably) in fight or flight. “Don’t be rude!” I snap (rudely).
“Jeez you don’t have to YELL at me” - my daughter, too loudly, cementing her spoiled-brat status in their minds, as well as my crazy bad-parent status
This is such a minor misbehavior, I know. I realize lots of kids do this kind of thing and maybe most parents wouldn’t really notice or think badly of us (for what it’s worth, I never judge other parents or kids - I am in no position to and I know it).
Still, here’s me handling that situation a little bit better:
My daughter says something rude or entitled to me - something like, I ask her to carry her sports bag to the car, and she says “ugh why can’t you do it?”
Ignoring the possible judgment of other parents around me, I cheerfully say, “I’m carrying my own stuff and you’re fully capable of carrying yours!” Turn, and start heading to the car
My daughter takes the stuff to the car and says nothing.
Noticing that she is in a relaxed state, I thank her for loading her bag in the car and tell her not to expect me to carry her things for her - she’s old enough to do it for herself.
Possibly the next time something like this comes up, she doesn’t even think to ask me to take her bag for her. It doesn’t occur to her, because her brain was in a state in which it could absorb information.
Chilling Out to Update the Default Mode Network
When I’m in fight or flight, I am usually incapable of learning or remembering details. The first exchange - where everyone gets hyped up - will actually be more forgotten by us than the second one (though it will likely add to my general sense of dread at having to be around other people).
When you update your computer’s operating system, it will usually ask you to close all the programs that are running, so you don’t lose any data. This is how I’ve started to think about how to update my (and my child’s) default mode network2.
Anxiety and rejection sensitivity dysphoria can mess with a default mode network and make it (and therefore you) more prone to anxious overreaction. Any evidence to the contrary that I actually don’t have to overreact is immediately deleted from my brain if that knowledge was gained while I was upset or in fight or flight. All my brain remembers is that I was probably right to flip out because I survived.
However, if I can keep things chill - lower the temperature - and not be in fight or flight, it has the possible effect of allowing that information to update my default mode network. I’m closing the programs taking up all of my RAM and allowing my operating system to safely update.
The bottom line:
Humans can’t learn well when we are in fight or flight3
Having kids who frequently misbehave can put parents in a state of hypervigilance, resulting in more frequent fight or flight experiences for both kids and parents
Consciously ignoring any perceived judgements of other parents can reduce the likelihood of a stressed-out response, thus making it more likely through co-regulation a child can learn the desired behavior for next time
Yeah, people are going to judge you, your kids, and your parenting. All you can do is not let the weight of their misplaced judgement hurt the progress you and your kids are making at your own pace. In every assembly of seemingly superior parents raising perfect kids, there’s going to be at least one awkward parent who is right there with you, silently comforted by the fact that they aren’t alone in the struggle.
I realize now that I took up basically no space in anyone’s head but my own. What a relief to discover that the vast majority of people you’ve interacted with in your life have forgotten you entirely!
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0896627323003082
https://instituteofchildpsychology.com/fight-or-flight-what-every-parent-needs-to-know/