When Nothing Is Working
Major changes without getting derailed by impulsiveness
Wow, June really sucked! Here are just a few of the things that happened to me in June:
My marriage officially is ending, and my (ex? we’re still…married)-husband is already dating someone. Cool!
My workplace is downsizing and my department is losing multiple positions, and everyone’s having daily panic attacks about covering workload, and it’s my job to somehow maintain some sort of morale;
My dog escaped and narrowly avoided getting killed by an Amazon truck (he’s fine, but I’m not, and my neighbors think I am 100% insane for holding my toddler and uselessly screaming at the top of my lungs for the dog to STOP like a total crazy person).
I’m firmly decided the universe is trying to tell me something:
My life is not working.
I need to make some major changes.
How I Got Here
Ah, impulsiveness. Somehow despite making a bunch of absolutely horrendous decisions without thinking things through, I escaped my youth without getting arrested or suffering immediate consequences.
However, the worst decision I ever made was impulsively moving in with a boyfriend (now my ex-husband) at 21, and then impulsively getting married so he could be covered by my health insurance plan.
Obviously, I chose the wrong person. Then I chose to have kids with the wrong person (love the kids, obviously!). Then I chose to move to an incredibly high cost of living area so I have to work multiple jobs to just barely scrape by, despite being in a high-paying industry. Then I chose to get an absolutely crazy dog who doesn’t listen to me (but I do love the dog, so much).
Look, I know I made horrible choices. And finally, the consequences have caught up with me.
Not Today, Impulsive Me!
So, impulsive me is dying to sell my house, move somewhere cheap, change careers, re-home the dog, and basically blow up my entire life.
But, the kids really love the house, and I’ve put a lot of money into it. It’s their inheritance. And there’s no real need to totally uproot the kids and take them away from everything they’ve ever known.
If I can hold out in my job for another couple of decades, I’ll be OK.
So: how can I embrace a slow burn to turn my entire life around, even though it will probably take years?
If I can’t visibly - and immediately see progress, I get incredibly discouraged.
What steps can I take toward improving something about my life right now?
Instant Gratification, But Small
I can’t change anything about my marriage ending, but I can embrace the positives that come with no longer being dragged down trying to please someone who hates me.
I took the kids to the beach by myself and it was amazing not having to listen to him complain how bored he was and constantly berate and yell at my 9-year-old for minor transgressions. The beach is my happy place, but I had become so used to being miserable with his grumpy attitude that I had forgotten that about myself. The beach is FREE (in more ways than one).
I can’t change my workplace downsizing. But I fell in love with programming because of the instant gratification of solving a problem - especially automating the solution to a problem. So I’m throwing as much time as possible into automation, and just keeping my head down. One task at a time.
Immediately after recovering somewhat from my dog-almost-getting-hit-by-a-truck trauma, I bought a tether leash so he can run around our fenced front yard but not be able to escape the yard.
I put a sign on the door that reminds (mostly my daughter, but also me) that he’s not allowed in the front yard until we get the tether set up and test it to make sure it’s secure.
Small changes in small areas I can control.
Nurture the Bright Spots; Abandon what Drains You
I love:
My kids - especially seeing my kids be happy in nature
The beach / being outside
My dog
Automating things/problem-solving
Coffee and Hot Showers
A small list of the things I want to do more of.
Can I cut things out of my life that are holding me back from those 5 things?
What are some things I DON’T love that I can stop doing, so I can do more of what I love?
This is where it gets harder. I’m not spending time doing stuff I don’t like intentionally.
But generally speaking, I have found that these two strategies usually help open up at least a bit of time:
Less phone/Internet
Less stuff
So, right now, I’m being impulsive by doing anything BUT being on my phone. I feel like every glance at my phone drains a small amount of life force.
Every time I feel like I can’t breath because the stress is overwhelming, instead of picking up my phone, I just go outside with the kids. I don’t think, I just go outside and sit on the ground, and maybe draw some fish and whales with chalk that make my 2-year-old so happy.
Every time I’m feeling that creeping sense of dread that my life is entirely falling apart, I throw something away. I grab a trash bag and clear out a shelf somewhere in my house.
Less.
The answer is almost always: Less.